Thursday, January 3, 2008

Chickens Don't Fly

Is stupidity and unbridled rage directly related?  Probably not.  I've known a particularly  intelligent man who snapped from fairly innocuous torment and proceeded in attempted vehicular homicide.  Maybe I just attribute stupidity to the feeling of entitlement victims have in exacting disproportionate and unmitigated justice on the perpetrators.  Of course this isn't a universal.  I'm only referring to petty annoyances and political bullshit and not rape or genocide.  Things that get folks up in arms for no tangible reason.  
Top 5 topics that illicit irrational anger
1) Differences in religious beliefs 
2) Gay Marriage 
3) Foreigners 
4) Bad driving 
5) Smoking 
Yeah, I just got done reading 'High Fidelity'.  For your perusal I submit this blatant satire of # 3 on my list.  This is part 1 of 2 composed by frequent contributor Ty.

edit:  Here is a link to a creative revenge scenario on a criminal discussed on the Kevin Smith and Scott Mosier podcast Smodcast
To me this is an example of a reasonable reaction.  What do you think?
Arkansas chicken farmers are up in arms over tens of thousands of pounds of Mexican chicken dumped into the U.S chicken market.

Some 40,000 lbs of Mexican chicken has been shipped to grocers in the south and southwest over the past month. Mexican chicken, which sells for 75 cents a pound, is over a dollar cheaper than the 1.90 a pound chicken Arkansas farmers garner for the same bird.

"Its killing us" says Arkansas chicken farmer Paul Hamilton "We used to worry about foxes in the hen house. But now we have bigger fish to fry. I mean we have more foxes than hens now. Its time to start selling fox meat. And that's no silver bullet my friend because foxes don't lay no golden eggs!" says Hamilton.

Mexicans are whistling a different tune however. Mexican chicken farmer Jesus Lyle Menendez says

" I can't help it. I have chickens, I sell the chickens, I feed my family mostly chicken and beans, rice, tortillas" he continued " I sell chicken for .75 cents a pound. That is a good price. I feed my family on that price. What do you want from me? I cannot increase my price. I sell no chickens then. Then what do I do with my chickens? Take amusing snapshots of them posed like human beings doing human being activities like observing their pocket watch or fishing by the lake? That idea just doesn't fly.. and neither do chickens".

President George Bush in a campaign stop in Little Rock had this to say when queried about the chicken crisis. 

"I believe the people of this great nation grow excellent chicken, The chicken that I have had here was good chicken. It's time that we stand up to these people who can threaten our way of life and pander poor quality poultry to the citizens of this god fearing nation" When asked if trade sanctions and elimination of foreign aid would be levied against Mexico if such practices continued the president had this to say.
"I can't speak for Mexico. Do I look Mexican to you? But I can say this. This country and its god fearing citizens will back down from no one. We will not be bullied around by any country promoting cutthroat business practices. America is too good for that".

A recent FDA inspection of most chicken facilities in Arkansas tells a different tale however. Of 127 chicken farms in Arkansas, only 3 passed the FDA's poultry standards and 15 were actually told to shut down until modifications to the facilities were made to create more sanitary conditions for the birds. A recent inspection of Mr. Hamilton's chicken ranch found 67 birds that were missing beaks and were fed through catheters collected from the nearby medical waste facility. when asked about this atrocity Mr. Hamilton had this reply.

" Well that's really neither here nor there. Its somewhere in the middle." he continued " I mean birds is kind a like plants right. Who cares what you feed them or how. My birds are like Baseball players. full of steroids and chewing tobacco. makes the meat spicy. I mean look at my kids, they were raised off my chickens and their eggs." Closer inspection of the Hamilton progeny reveals that two of the three are retarded and the third is a strapping young man of 7 replete with chest hair.



JimmyBond said...

On 5 Topics that Illicit Irrational Anger:

I'll give you 1-3, but I strenuously disagree with 4 & 5. See, Bad Driving and Smoking imposive massive external costs upon others.

Imagine driving behind a person going half the legal speed limit on a long winding road with no opportunity to pass. The bastard has doubled the required time to reach your destination! This sort of garbage drives me nuts.

Smoking clearly imposes costs on those of us who prefer to breathe clean air. But perhaps you object that it should be no Californian's business if some bloke in Washington decides to light up. On the surface, I'd agree. Problem is, however, that federal tax dollars and private health insurance premiums pay for these jackasses when their health suddenly declines...

... which brings me to another topic that fuels rational anger: obesity. The US is getting fatter and fatter. With this, comes increasing risk of heart disease, diabetes, etc. Demand for health services rises, as does the cost of health provision. Who pays for it? Anyone with health insurance. Young and healthy people are increasingly subsidising poor decision makers. It makes me angry.

American Sunshine Cowboy said...

I put driving and smoking in my top five because the disproportionate anger to offense ratio that those two issues cause is fairly ridiculous. Just let it go.

Just because "studies" and legislation has overblown the chances of getting second hand cancer. It is now okay to lynch smokers five feet from any living organism. I think the MacChemical burger your munching on is more likely to give you colin cancer than my smokes. (by the way ASC does not smoke... regularly)

I seem to remember a Jimmy Bond story (which you may want to narrate for this blog in the future) where he was on the receiving end of road rage because he cut off a father and child.

Wasn't the empowered protective parent trying to force you off the road so he could pummel you with the business end of a lug wrench?

Also I think some folk make well informed decisions to go down the road to poor health and self destructive behaviors.

American Sunshine Cowboy said...

I edited the post to include a link to a Smodcast episode where Kevin Smith and Scott Mosier discuss a possible punishment for a child rapist.