Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Christmas Past

In the spirit of the holiday season into which we are rapidly shuffling I present this melancholy sigh of resignation from a man who is currently seeing better days. It reminds us that thank goodness we get another chance to achieve holiday cheer.


I thought I liked the holidays. No, not the sight of shoppers shopping or those god damn bell ringers ringing but I liked getting together with friends for holiday parties and kitschy, tacky, whatever you want to call it traditions like Christmas trees and obnoxious lights and stuff, but this year the season is starting to grate on me. People seem to keep pushing their holiday cheer on me and I'm not talking about rum soaked eggnog (yum). I am talking about reason for the season rhetoric and office gift exchange bullshit and worst of all, crappy in-laws.

First off, I am an atheist. Most people know this, assume it or if forced to guess, would guess correctly. Why then do they send me Jesus loves you crap. So you think I'm going to Hell? Fine, I can deal with that, but quit trying to "save" me because It isn't happening. Just be kind to me, wave, and think to yourself that it was nice knowing me whilst you ride your angel wings to the promised land. Is that too hard? I don't like gifting. There I said it. I am not saying this because I don't like to give people things. I say this because I do not wish to deal with the stress of the annual holiday crap exchange just so that I can give someone the thing that they really didn't want and if they did, would have purchased for themselves already. It's not like I'm Amillionairheart and can afford to give people stuff they can't buy for themselves. It's pretty much whatever the hell Fred Meyers has on the bargain rack on Christmas Eve.

The greatest thing about the holidays is the quality time spent with my beloved family and friends. Good food and drink and an evening of socializing with my favorite people always makes me happy. What sucks is when all that potential gets ruined by some shady ex-in-laws and some shadier future in-laws. I mean nothing kills a party faster than your cousin's ex-husband talking openly about his current deadbeat dad status and watching him attempt to relate to his kids and fail miserably. Then when you think things can't get any worse your 23 year old sister shows up towing around her 40+ year old boyfriend. People ask me, "Ty why do you hate him?" and I say "I don't hate him, I just hate 40 year old unemployed squatters who fail to shower, and I especially dislike those hippies when they date my sister".

Just when all of this nonsense is getting to be too much, I realize that it is time to get my tree. One of the joys of the season, decorating one's home. So I bring a tree home and commence festooning the spartan interior of my modest abode with all the loud colors and assorted baublery associated with Christmas. Then I focus my attention on installing the tree into its sentinel position; presiding over the seasons activities. There becomes a problem however, the tree stand, of which I purchased last year, and has perhaps 3 weeks use upon it, expires in the most frustrating of manners, upsetting my tree repeatedly and ultimately upsetting me completely. It now resides in my front lawn, a tangled mass of disfigured metal.

So you can see, I am having my own Ho Ho Horrible holidays and it is only getting worse. At least I don't have to answer any more "So where's your wife?" questions this year.

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